Midlife passage emotionally painful but necessary
Midlife passage emotionally painful but necessary
First in a two-part series
By SHERYL UBELACKER -- Canadian Press
Tim O'Neill knew he had reached some defining moment in life when he was suddenly overwhelmed by a storm of swirling emotions that shook him to the core of his being. It felt like sadness. It felt like loss. It felt like panic. It felt as if some hitherto silent internal clock had suddenly kick-started to life, tick-tocking out the warning: time. . . is. . . running. . . out. "When it hit me, I was standing somewhere and I leaned against a wall in a corridor and I just started crying," says O'Neill, still surprised at the memory. "And I thought, "What's going on?" What was going on was the beginning of what is often termed the midlife transition, a time when many in their mid-40s or 50s are struck by a sense of their own mortality and the knowledge there are only so many years left to realize their dreams. It may be triggered by a landmark birthday -- like turning 50 -- the death of a parent or peer, a grownup child leaving home, or being passed over for promotion by a younger colleague. Sometimes it's the relentless signs of diminished youth that set off midlife anxiety: printed words that seem to have shrunk, hair that's fading to grey or relentlessly receding, once-fine laugh lines deepened into crevices, or an hourglass figure that's stubbornly reconfigured itself into a pear. For O'Neill, who asked that his real name not be used, it struck while he was at a career placement centre after being downsized by the Montreal telecommunications company where he had worked for 20 years. "You think you are not worth anything. You look back at all the people who are still there, who are younger than you, and think: 'Where did I go wrong?' "I started going through this whole grieving process and angst and (asking) 'Who am I?' and 'What should I do?' "It was pretty scary."
Such emotional turbulence is common at the half-century watershed, psychologists say, but it is even more pronounced in the generation now reaching "middlescence," the baby boomers instilled with the need for high achievement. "Growing up in the 1960s and 1970s led us to believe that a long, healthy, affluent and youthful life was our birthright," say the authors of The Healthy Boomer: A No-Nonsense Midlife Guide for Women and Men. "Midlife is a shock. Suddenly, the generation whose motto was 'Never trust anyone over 30' is brooding about unfulfilled dreams (and) the risk of heart attacks." Romin Tafarodi, a social psychologist at the University of Toronto, says people are usually content as long as they perceive they're on "a certain trajectory." "It's when we realize that the trajectory has taken on a slope that's not satisfactory -- plateaued, if you will -- or we realize that we'll never get to where we want to be before we end our lives, that things get a little dicey." People may feel demoralized, worthless and withdraw into themselves, he says. Other experts say this retreat into self is often a necessary part of the midlife journey. It's a time to "critically re-examine familiar relationships, values and life choices," says The Healthy Boomer. O'Neill, 54, says losing his job after 20 years jolted him into looking back at his life. "It was then that the soul-searching started," says O'Neill, a soft-spoken, self-described people-person. He realized he'd settled for a comfortable career in the telecom industry, but had paid for it ever since by never feeling really happy. "It makes you realize you've missed the boat somewhere. You look back and see opportunities you didn't take, perhaps because you were afraid to take them." There was his dream at 20 of becoming an actor or screenwriter in Hollywood. "How stupid not to have done it," he says, shaking his head. "I never felt I could do anything other than what I fell into." But as he goes through this phase of life, O'Neill has glimpsed what he calls his true calling. He wants to become a career counsellor and life coach to help others "uncover their real needs." "It's very difficult because you wake up in the middle of the night questioning yourself. Am I doing the right thing. Shouldn't I be looking for a high-paying job and paying the rent and not having my wife worrying about money and not indulging my own personal needs and aspirations? "You have doubts: Can I really make a career out of this thing I love to do? I've not seen any doors open yet. I'm at this stasis, I'm stuck. So now I have to do something and see if it works." And O'Neill is aware of the sound of Death's footsteps behind him -- still off in the distance, but drawing inevitably closer. "That sense of mortality is with me every day. Every day, every week seems to move faster, and yet I look at what I've achieved and I think I haven't really done anything to fulfil my true purpose. "You think now's the time to do what you want to do -- because there isn't that much time." This article first appeared February 6, 2001.
(http://www.canoe.ca/LifewiseFamilyRetired01/0213_midlife_cp.html)
First in a two-part series
By SHERYL UBELACKER -- Canadian Press
Tim O'Neill knew he had reached some defining moment in life when he was suddenly overwhelmed by a storm of swirling emotions that shook him to the core of his being. It felt like sadness. It felt like loss. It felt like panic. It felt as if some hitherto silent internal clock had suddenly kick-started to life, tick-tocking out the warning: time. . . is. . . running. . . out. "When it hit me, I was standing somewhere and I leaned against a wall in a corridor and I just started crying," says O'Neill, still surprised at the memory. "And I thought, "What's going on?" What was going on was the beginning of what is often termed the midlife transition, a time when many in their mid-40s or 50s are struck by a sense of their own mortality and the knowledge there are only so many years left to realize their dreams. It may be triggered by a landmark birthday -- like turning 50 -- the death of a parent or peer, a grownup child leaving home, or being passed over for promotion by a younger colleague. Sometimes it's the relentless signs of diminished youth that set off midlife anxiety: printed words that seem to have shrunk, hair that's fading to grey or relentlessly receding, once-fine laugh lines deepened into crevices, or an hourglass figure that's stubbornly reconfigured itself into a pear. For O'Neill, who asked that his real name not be used, it struck while he was at a career placement centre after being downsized by the Montreal telecommunications company where he had worked for 20 years. "You think you are not worth anything. You look back at all the people who are still there, who are younger than you, and think: 'Where did I go wrong?' "I started going through this whole grieving process and angst and (asking) 'Who am I?' and 'What should I do?' "It was pretty scary."
Such emotional turbulence is common at the half-century watershed, psychologists say, but it is even more pronounced in the generation now reaching "middlescence," the baby boomers instilled with the need for high achievement. "Growing up in the 1960s and 1970s led us to believe that a long, healthy, affluent and youthful life was our birthright," say the authors of The Healthy Boomer: A No-Nonsense Midlife Guide for Women and Men. "Midlife is a shock. Suddenly, the generation whose motto was 'Never trust anyone over 30' is brooding about unfulfilled dreams (and) the risk of heart attacks." Romin Tafarodi, a social psychologist at the University of Toronto, says people are usually content as long as they perceive they're on "a certain trajectory." "It's when we realize that the trajectory has taken on a slope that's not satisfactory -- plateaued, if you will -- or we realize that we'll never get to where we want to be before we end our lives, that things get a little dicey." People may feel demoralized, worthless and withdraw into themselves, he says. Other experts say this retreat into self is often a necessary part of the midlife journey. It's a time to "critically re-examine familiar relationships, values and life choices," says The Healthy Boomer. O'Neill, 54, says losing his job after 20 years jolted him into looking back at his life. "It was then that the soul-searching started," says O'Neill, a soft-spoken, self-described people-person. He realized he'd settled for a comfortable career in the telecom industry, but had paid for it ever since by never feeling really happy. "It makes you realize you've missed the boat somewhere. You look back and see opportunities you didn't take, perhaps because you were afraid to take them." There was his dream at 20 of becoming an actor or screenwriter in Hollywood. "How stupid not to have done it," he says, shaking his head. "I never felt I could do anything other than what I fell into." But as he goes through this phase of life, O'Neill has glimpsed what he calls his true calling. He wants to become a career counsellor and life coach to help others "uncover their real needs." "It's very difficult because you wake up in the middle of the night questioning yourself. Am I doing the right thing. Shouldn't I be looking for a high-paying job and paying the rent and not having my wife worrying about money and not indulging my own personal needs and aspirations? "You have doubts: Can I really make a career out of this thing I love to do? I've not seen any doors open yet. I'm at this stasis, I'm stuck. So now I have to do something and see if it works." And O'Neill is aware of the sound of Death's footsteps behind him -- still off in the distance, but drawing inevitably closer. "That sense of mortality is with me every day. Every day, every week seems to move faster, and yet I look at what I've achieved and I think I haven't really done anything to fulfil my true purpose. "You think now's the time to do what you want to do -- because there isn't that much time." This article first appeared February 6, 2001.
(http://www.canoe.ca/LifewiseFamilyRetired01/0213_midlife_cp.html)
posted by Unknown at 8:23 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home